i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
