I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
