I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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