i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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