and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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