omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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