How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
