You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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