I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
and you fell through a lawn chair
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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