his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
