sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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