he thought i was a dude.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
