Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Randomize
