I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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