dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Randomize
