I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
