Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
