he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
