I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
