I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I am one with the molecules
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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