your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
