He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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