best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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