My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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