moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
