Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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