I didn't shave. On purpose
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
