i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
