FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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