evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
