why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
farters have to be the big spoon...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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