Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I will die if light touches me.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
