you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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