I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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