On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
