Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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