areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
