alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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