You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
