the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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