why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
