either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
