I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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