Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
