Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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