I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
