I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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