Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
