Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
