Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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