i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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